Time check: 1255am.

Status: Wide awake.

Architecture. Sounds fancy and elite to many. But really, to those who are actually on this journey, be it in institution or practicing, knows the truth of how harsh it is. Having said that, I’m not looking down on other profession.

Had I chose to take my degree in Singapore, it definitely wouldn’t be architecture but something more general. Business maybe? I don’t know. I’m the kind of person who strongly believes that when God puts me to it, He will put me through it. Completing my diploma made me feel that I’ve only dipped my feet in the water and I crave to be in it. Which is the reason why I told my parents I wanted to further my degree in the same field, abroad.

We work very hard during term time which drives me (everyone, in fact) nuts. However, the short holidays in between each term/semester relieves us of the crazy moments and keeps us sane. Because we are used to having a lot of things to do, the sudden nothingness can make us feel stripped bare (at least for me la).

I try to fill my holidays with things that really matters to me. Do what I love to do which is only possible during breaks. There are things that can be done by snapping the fingers, while most can’t.

You see, I’m a planner. I make plans and I work towards it.

I’m greedy, impatient and like to be able to control my plans. But alas, He is the best planner of us all.

He makes me incapable (now, in syaa Allah) so that I learn patience. Had I be given the capability to do everything that I want, just like that *snaps fingers* I may appreciate it less and abuse the blessings.

There are things that I want to do. There are things that I want to achieve and be at right now. When I see people around me do the things that I want, it makes me go, ‘WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING HERE!? That’s what I want to do. So, again, WHY am I here?’.

The good thing of being abroad, alone is I get many chances to Think. and Appreciate.

Being in uni holds me back to so many things that I want to do. I want to be out there working on things that I’m passionate about. Not to mention that I’m passionate about sooooo many things. When I pull myself out of this ‘messy thinking planning madness cap,’ breathe and just put/see things in different perspective, I’m able to see the WHY (I’m not there).

I asked to be abroad. For experience. For self discovery. For the opportunity to travel and more. Now that He grants me that opportunity, dare I be ungrateful?

What I’m trying to do now is like rock climbing. I think I can do it, without experience. If I slip, the guy that’s pulling the harness can get me back to safety and I can start all over again without preparing myself after the fall because someone always have my back. While it’s true that someone will have your back, it’s also true that that someone is just human and there are times people get sick of just supporting and wants to be supported in return. If you keep yourself busy expecting eternal support from that harness guy, than you’re only in for disappointment because life is not all about me. myself. and I. plus the fact that that harness guy doesn’t want to be in the same position forever.

Sometimes I look at things as if passion and sincerity is enough. I look at things overestimating the strength I have and underestimating the strength needed.

What I wanted that I thought was impossible, God gave them to me, and now I’m beginning to appreciate it less.

When this – the greed of where I want to be VS the unappreciative me that needs to realise where and why I’m elsewhere – happens, I like to temporarily shun myself from the world. Enter my cave, leave all the fancy thoughts and whims which are burden (that I put upon myself in the first place), bring only basic and absolute necessary thoughts with me and reorganise myself.

Make time to find your weakness point, know them, so others won’t use it against you. Don’t be arrogant to admit a bad trait(s) of yours. Make time to appreciate where you are. If you can’t appreciate the little big things that you have now, chances are, you can’t appreciate the bigger things in life that He wants to put in your way but won’t, for your own good.

Regardless of age, don’t be arrogant to think that at a certain point in our life or in our success, we can stop self-discovery and improvement. We are all a work in progress.

As for me, I’ve found my weakness – impatience, greed in timing and control of where I want to be at (and definitely more. I’m not done in this self-discovery business).

The one thing that I thought was impossible for me, yet I asked, prayed for and granted, is itself an enemy and a blessing. True it render me helpless at the bigger plans I have for myself. But it is also true that it is preparing me to be more mature for when the time comes, allowing me to respond and handle the situation better, In Syaa Allah.

Architecture is more than making nice buildings complying with authority regulations. There are many user empathy, thoughts and considerations that goes into the design. One thing I learn from architecture is that at every stage that we’re at is hard and torturous, but once you get through to another level, the level that you’ve just passed seems way easier than the new level that you’ve been level up-ed to. To get to the next stage requires you to stretch, mature your thoughts, ability and capability, every time. It drains you. But it makes you.

This has happen one too many times and I’m just putting it up here so that when this ‘crazy controlling wasp’ in me wants to come out again, I don’t have to waste my time entering the cave (again), for the very same reason. I’ll just swat myself here and use that time for other better purposes.

Dear self… Between 2015/2016 academic year, this is what you have to say to yourself when that impatient you wants to emerge and waste your time, for the same reason (or in the future when I have other challenges which narrows down to the same issues) :

Now, I’d like to put my plans on hold and gain as much from another year of architecture. I’d like to save the little bits of here and there energy into a firework shell and hopefully after another year, the better me will be able to pull the string and release all the neon goodness I have to give without burning, hurting or make use of (stepping on) anyone.

Afterall, a butterfly can only soar high through forcing itself out of it’s cocoon with it’s own strength, grit, patience and time.

P.s: Have you heard of the crippled butterfly story? Have a read. Such a wonderful reminder. 🙂